Stupid technology

There’s a scene in the movie Napoleon Dynamite wherein Napoleon’s nerdy older brother sings a song to his new bride, LaFawnduh. One of the lyrics is, “I love technology / But not as much as you, you see / But I STILL love technology / Always and forever…”

I must say, I don’t share Kip’s sentiment.

I know, I know – technology is wonderful, and allows us all to do amazing things, like check traffic conditions or play Candy Crush at the dinner table, but a good deal of the time, it annoys the crap out of me. Not when it’s working right, mind you – then, it’s fine. What sends me into a fit of apoplexy is when technology doesn’t do what it was designed to do, which in my case, seems to be roughly NINETY PERCENT OF THE FREAKING TIME.

I don’t believe in curses per se, and I’m not superstitious as I think it’s bad luck, but sometimes I can’t help but think I have the magical ability to make technology go haywire, or at the very least, stop working. This isn’t helped by the fact that I’m not the most patient person when it comes to things. I can (and do) deal with people all day, with no problem. It’s electronics that causes me to contemplate a tri-state crime spree. Countless times my attempts to download an app or run a program or use some sort of device has ended in failure and rage, because the whatever-it-is DOESN’T DO WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO.

I’m sure some of my vast multitude of readers are shaking their heads and saying to themselves, “He’s probably just not doing it correctly.” And you know what? They’re right, the jerks. I’m probably NOT doing it correctly. But whose fault is that? I’d like to think I’m not a complete idiot, in spite of what those assholes down at the North Texas Tollway Authority might say about me. I managed to put up this website, as rudimentary and feeble as it is. So I must have a modicum of technological competency. No, I blame the designers of all those apps and devices that ultimately throw me into a fit of rage. These things are supposed to make our lives easier, right? Isn’t that what they’re for? That’s the definition of a tool: a device to make work easier. At least, that’s what one of my grade school teachers told me, circa 1975. (I just Googled tool, and apparently, that’s not the correct definition, but screw it, I’m sticking with what Teach said.)

So now I’m going to provide a list of technological wonders that can go suck an egg. And by the way, I’m composing this stellar work of literature on my Macbook Air, which is a damn fine laptop, but I must add that Apple is one of the worst offenders. Sorry, all you Apple zealots, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

• When I log into my iCloud calendar at work, there’s an option that says, “Keep me signed in,” which I always have checked. Does it keep me signed in? Hell, no. I have to sign in day after day. And then, suddenly, it will keep me signed in for a few days, and then I have to repeat the process. This is stupid.
• When I open the Maps app on my iPhone, I usually do so to check traffic conditions. Therefore, I keep the “Traffic” option turned on. Does it show me traffic conditions? Hell, no. Most of the time, I have to turn it off, and then turn it back on, before it tells me that my commute is going to suck. Lately, this problem seems to have magically resolved, but that it went on so long is just plain stupid.
• Speaking of iPhone and traffic, for a while there, my phone would give me a message regarding traffic every morning, whether I wanted it or not. Virtually every day, the message was the same: “Traffic is unusually heavy on the way to work this morning.” Well, guess what? If traffic is unusually heavy every morning, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL! IT’S NORMAL! Stupid phone!
• Whenever I connect my iPhone to my Mazda’s “Infotainment Center,” which is a colossally stupid term to begin with, it launches iTunes and plays the same song every time. I don’t know if this pathetic bit of beanery is Mazda’s fault, or Apple’s, but either way, it’s stupider than a backwards shitbird. Most of the time, I don’t want to listen to my iTunes. I want Pandora or some other thing, but no. Every fucking time it’s “Summer in Abaddon,” by Pinback. Why is that song first? Who knows? But that’s the one that gets played. Stupid.
• Whenever I open my Macbook, if I’ve received a message on Facebook, this little window pops up and says, “You’ve received a message on Facebook.” It doesn’t matter if I’ve already read the message on my work computer. But the really dumb thing is that the window appears right over the navigation bar of my browser, and then hangs around for a few moments, as if it’s just hoping I’m going to click on it, which I never do. But in the meantime, I can’t navigate to any website until the fucking thing goes away, or I drag my browser out of the way. Not the worst inconvenience in the world, but still monstrously stupid.
• When I open my gmail account, if there’s a new email that I want to read, I open it and read it. Most of the time, it’s some useless drivel that I immediately delete. Then when I click my bookmark menu to go to another site, a little window pops up that says, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?” YES I WANT TO LEAVE THE FUCKING PAGE, YOU MORON. But now I have to get your permission. Do you think I’m a three-year-old who wants to go to the bathroom at a Greyhound station?
• Occasionally, when I sign into my Macbook at work, which I’ve done many times, I get a message on my phone that informs me someone is trying to sign into my account in Belton, Texas. No, they’re not, you stupendous lamebrains. Belton is 136 miles away. No one is trying to log in but me. The problem is the result of vast doltishness. Grow a brain!
• Whenever I get a voicemail message on my iPhone, when I go to listen to it, there’s a fair chance the message playback will simply stop mid-message, or not play at all. I got a brief message from my wife two days ago that I still haven’t heard the last part of. There’s no excuse for this kind of imbecility.
• Whenever I want to post a photo on Facebook using my Macbook, when I click on the link, it opens my “Downloads” file. This is fine if I want to post a photo I’ve downloaded, but most of the time, I want to post a photo that I actually took, which means it’s in the “Photos” file. Is it just me? I want to post a photo, you nimrods. Open the photos file. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
• When I start my car, in addition to waiting for the computer to boot up, I am always confronted with this message: “WARNING! Distraction may cause accidents. Do not operate while driving. Always concentrate on driving and obey Traffic Regulations. See owner’s manual.” And then, to make matters worse, beneath that is a tab that says, “I Agree.” I’ve clicked on it in an effort to make it go away more quickly, but it doesn’t do anything. Do those birdbrains over at Mazda think this is going to make me a better driver? It’s more likely to cause an incident of road rage.

Believe me, I could go on and on. You get the idea. I’m sure there are a million more examples of this kind of technological asininity, and you’ve probably got some examples of your own. In which case, write your own blog, if you can figure out how. It’s really easy, what with computers and such.